Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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