I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
