Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
