Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
