Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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