i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
