Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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