I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
it glows. i had to have it.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
