I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
