I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
