Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
