You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
