Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
