i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
