we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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