the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
