Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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