I wish my penis had an off switch
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
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