so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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