Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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