Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Your cock deserves a montage
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
