i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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