why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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