i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
