I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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