friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
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