What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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