don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
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