For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
