you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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