nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Randomize
