I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
