Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
