Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Sext me about skeletons
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
