It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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