Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Randomize
