jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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