We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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