true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Acid is not a monday night drug
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Randomize
