Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
