i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
