Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
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