my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
