Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
