I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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