I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
