the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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