I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
