I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
