Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I forget how to act sober
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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