Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
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